What do you call two gay men named Bob? Oral Roberts.
Did you hear about the two gay Irishmen? John Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzjohn.
Did you hear about the new form of aids called hearing aids? You get it from listening to too many assholes.
Do you know where Santa's gay reindeer go after Christmas? To the Elk's Club to blow a few bucks.
What do you call a herd of beef masturbating? Beef strokin' off.
A field mouse was swallowed by an eagle. After running for a long time he came to the end of a tunnel. He asked the eagle how high up they were. The eagle replied, two miles. The mouse then said, "Wow! You wouldn't shit me, would you?"
What do toilet paper and the USS Enterprise have in common? They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons.
What energy source powers the Enterprise? Spock plugs.
A composer had written the most beautiful love song ever written but he had been unable to sell it. One day he had arrived at the offices of the only publisher who hadn't yet turned him down. He played his song for the president, who was moved to tears. The president said, "That is beautiful. I can't believe you haven't sold it yet. By the way, what do you call it?" "I love you so fucking much I could shit!"
How does a French woman hold her liquor? By his ears.
How do you tell the head nurse? She has got callouses on her elbows and knees.
The convent had invited the parish priest over for dinner on Friday. The mother superior took a couple of her nuns down to the Fisherman's wharf in San Francisco to buy some fish. As they walked along she heard some of the fishermen talking about these son of a bitch fish. She took exception to their language and told them so. They replied that that was the name of the fish. They were called son of a bitch fish. So she praised the Lord and bought their son of a bitch fish. That Friday the priest was siting at the head of the table listening to the nuns say, "Would you please pass the son of a bitch fish?" "Yes. Aren't these son of a bitch fish good?" After several minutes of this, the priest leaned back, smiled and said, "You know, you fuckers are all right."
A priest was walking down the street when he saw a man weaving side to side. Thinking that the man might need some help, he followed him. Sure enough he saw the man go into his church. Once inside he saw the man go into the confessional. Knowing now that he could, indeed, be of help, the priest entered the center door, opened the screen and blessed the man and asked if he could help. The man said, "Yeah. Got any toilet paper on your side?"
What do you call a Mexican who washes bridges? Spic and Span.
A black man went to his doctor's office for a vasectomy. When he arrived, the doctor asked how come he had dressed up in his tuxedo. The man replied, "If Ahm gonna be impotent, I wann look impo'tent.
Why is money green? Because Jews pick it before it is ripe.
Why do Jews have big noses? Air is free.
Jewish dilemma? Free ham.
Why do Mexicans have big noses? So they have something to pick in the off season.
The first three words in a mexican cookbook? Steal three eggs.
What do you get when you cross a Mexican with a Mormon? A garage full of groceries.
Why don't Mexicans barbeque? The beans fall through the grill.
What do you call a virgin on a water bed? Cherry float.
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Only two. But don't ask how they get into the lightbulb!
Why don't gypsies have babies? The have crystal balls.
Why don't witches have babies? The have hollow weenies.
Why doesn't Ronald McDonald have any babies. He's got chicken McNuggets.
Why are policemen's ball bigger that firemen's balls? They sell more tickets.
How do you keep a pollack in suspense?
Why do women from Texas have big tits and small pussies? Because the men have big mouths and small dicks.
An executive interviewed three women for the position as his secretary. One spoke three languages fluently. One could type 95 words per minute. The third had a degree in business science. Which one did he hire? The one with the big tits.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you have too much money.
Snow White died and went to heaven and knocked on the pearly gates. When St Peter came out she asked for admittance. St Peter said sorry, we only admit virgins. Snow White protested that she was a virgin. St Peter had a hard time believing that since she had lived in a forest with seven horny old men. Nonetheless she assured him that she was a virgin. St Peter said that he would have to take her into the examination room to prove her claim. And sure enough, he let her into heaven, because all he found were seven tiny little dents.
Why don't Italian men wear moustaches? They don't want to look like their mothers.
A bigamist? A large Italian fog.
Sid you hear about the Italian prostitute who never let a dago by?
What do you get when you cross a penis with a potato? A dictator.
What is the difference between a government bond and a man? A bond matures.
What finally killed Captain Hook? Jock itch.
Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? Sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.
He was so horny that even the crack of dawn wasn't safe.
How much calcium is there in a woman's breast? Enough to make a bone about six inches long.
What is the difference between Loreena Bobbitt and a weather forecaster? When Loreena Bobbitt says there will be four inches on the ground in the morning, you had better believe it.
A drunk was sitting at the end of a bar, watching as a proper British gentleman walked in and asked the barkeep for a twelve year old scotch. The barkeep thought to himself, "Twelve year old, smelve year old. He doesn't know shit fron shinola. I'll give him two year old scotch." He poured it and the British gentleman sipped it, spit it out and said, "This is two year old scotch. I want twelve year old scotch." The barkeep turned around and thought that the man did seem to know what he was talking about, but he'd try six year old first. The man sipped it, spit it out and said, "This is six year old scotch. I said I wanted twelve year old." The drunk was highly entertained by all of this and he wasn't missing a bit of it. The barkeep turned around and again thought that the best he had was ten year old scotch. Surely the man couldn't tell the difference between ten and twelve year old scotch. He poured it, the man sipped it, spit it out and said, "This is ten year old scotch." The drunk then shoved a shot glass down to the British gentleman and asked him to sip that. The man did, spit it out and said, "This tastes like piss!" "It is", said the drunk. "How old am I?"
Three men went on a two week hunting trip. One of them volunteered to cook all of the meals as long as no one complained about his cooking. After ten days he got tired of cooking, but nobody had complained yet. So he got a couple of cow chips and made soup from them. One of the men sipped it; spit it out and said, " This tastes like shit! But I like it. I like it."
What is invisible and smells like carrots? A bunny fart.
A man was sitting in a bar. He watched as a beautiful brunette walked in the door. She looked like she had been poured into her very tight pants. Amazed, he walked up to her and said, "Lady, how in the world do you get into those tight pants of yours?" "Well", she replied, "you can start by buying me a drink."
A cannibal invited a friend over for dinner. The friend said, "Your wife makes good soup." The cannibal replied, "Yeah. I'm going to miss her."
Two cannibals in the jungle came upon a dead man lying in the dirt. They decided to eat him; one starting at the head and the other at the head. After a while one said, "How's it going?" "I'm having a ball." "Well slow down", the first one said, "you're eating too fast."
Did you hear about the cannibal who got kicked out of school for buttering up his teacher?
Jewish foreplay? Twenty minutes of begging.
Irish foreplay? "Bend over Bridget."
A man, on his wedding night, was naked in bed with his wife. He was rubbing her tummy and saying, "I love you! I love you!" "Lower, honey, lower", she begged. "I luuv you! I luuv you!"
Three nuns died and went to heaven, knocked on the Pearly Gates and asked St. Peter for admittance. He said that he'd have to ask them a question. They assured him that they were prepared. He asked the first nun who was the first man. "Adam", she replied. He let her in. He turned to the second nun and asked her, "Who was the first woman?" "Eve", she said. And he let her pass. He turned to the third nun and asked her, ''What were the first words Eve said to Adam?" That stumped the nun. She thought about it for several minutes and then mumbled to herself, "My, that's a hard one." "Right", said St. Peter, "go on in."
A continental breakfast? A roll in bed with honey.
Every afternoon after school Pinnochio's girlfriend went over to his house, sat on his face and said, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"
Do you know what kind of meat priests eat? Nun.
A nun woke up one morning to find a tiny baby in her bed with her. "Damn!", she said, "You can't even trust your own finger anymore."
Sister Rose was famous for her multiple choice tests. So it was natural that, after she died, we referred to her as Nun of the Above.
What do you call a dog with short legs and steel balls? Sparky.
The neighbors named their dog Herpes because he wouldn't heel.
You can tell when a Vietnamese family moves into the neighborhood. All the dogs are very, very, quiet.
The knew Chinese cookbook? How to wok your dog.
A woman was very embarassed becaused the only thing her parrot would say was, "Awk! Wanna fuck, wanna fuck?!" She knew her minister had a parrot who was always praying. So she took her parrot to the minister's residence to introduce the two birds, hoping the holiness of the minister's parrot would rub off on hers. After introductions her parrot said, "Awk! Wanna fuck, wanna fuck?!" "Praise the Lord", said the minister's parrot, "my prayers have been answered!"
Every morning a Jew passed a pet store on his way to the office. There was always a parrot outside that constantly said, "Awk! Moshe Dayan is a jerkoff." After several months of this the Jew spoke to the pet store owner about this. The owner replied, "Well, it is for sale!" So the Jew bought the parrot, cut out its tongue and gave him back to the pet store owner. The next day the Jew walked confidently past the pet store. He stopped smiling, though, when he saw the parrot with one wing over one eye and the other wing making a jerking motion.
"My, what big eyes you have Grandma", said Little Red Ridinghood. "All the better to see you with, my dear", replied the big, bad wolf. "My, what big ears you have, Grandma", said Little Red Ridinghood. "All the better to hear you with, my dear", was the wolf's reply. "My, what big teeth you have, Grandma.'' "All the better to eat you with, my dear.'' "Eat, eat eat. Doesn't anybody fuck anymore?"
Once a king, always a king. Once a knight's enough.
What is soft and furry and goes BOOM? A cat in a microwave.
I always thought that God was a vegetable because the priest always turned around and said, "Lettuce pray."
Have you ever smelled moth balls? How did you ever get their legs apart.
Two preachers were talking about how to increase the Sunday collection. One of them said he used his watch to hypnotize the congregation by swinging it in front of them from the pulpit. He then told them to put more money in the collection plate. He promised it would work. The following Sunday the other preacher tried the suggestion. He was at the pulpit swinging his watch back and forth. Just then the chain which held the watch broke and he said, "Oh, shit!" It took him two days to clean up all of the crap.
When a 7-UP salesman didn't return from opening up new territory in cannibal country, the company sent another salesman to look for him. Several weeks later he came upon the cannibal village to find his fellow salesman being boiled in a vat of 7-UP. However, his, you know, his thing, was hanging over the edge of the boiling vat. Quickly taking in the situation, the man asked the chief why his friend's thing was hanging over the edge. The chief replied, "Things go better with Coke."
John came home from work one day during which he had found out that his partner had embezzled most of the cash from their company and had run off with John's wife. His house had burned down and his son had wrecked the new BMW. As John dazedly wandered down the street in front of his house, a truck hit him. As the paramedics were putting him on the stretcher, he looked up to heaven and asked, "Why me, Lord? Why me?" Lightning cracked and thunder boomed and a voice came out of the sky and said, "Some people tend to piss me off."
A redneck was washing windows on the sixteenth floor of a tall office building. He slipped off the scaffolding and was hanging by only his fingers. An angel of the Lord came to him and told him to let go. The redneck said no way, Jose. Again the angel beseeched him to have faith in the Lord and let go. Again the redneck rebuffed the angel. "Have you no faith that the Lord will save you?" cried the angel in his most persuasive voice. "Let go!" This time the redneck did have faith and let go. The angel sat on the ledge sixteen stories up and watched as the redneck fell sixteen floors to his death. The angel thought to himself, "Can't figure out how I got to be an angel hating rednecks the way I do."
A priest and a nun were playing golf. Every time the priest would miss an easy putt he would mutter, "Dammit, I missed again." The nun was beside herself and kept beseeching the priest not to say such things lest the Lord strike him down. And sure enough after the seventh such utterance a lightning bolt came out of the sky and struck the NUN dead. The priest heard a voice say, "Dammit, I missed again!"
What is the last thing that goes through a fly's mind before he hits your windshield? His ass.
Life is like a shit sandwich. The more bread you have, the less shit you have to eat.
A man went to a tattoo parlor and told the man that he wanted a $100 bill tattooed onto his dick. Before the artist would do it, however, he had to know why such an unusual request. The man replied, "I like to play with my money. I want to watch my money grow. When my wife wants to blow a hundred bucks she won't have to leave home to do it."
Clinton was a test tube baby. He wasn't worth a fuck back then either.
A man and a woman met on an elevator. The woman looked at the man and said, "Make me feel like a woman." The man took off all his clothes, threw them on the floor and said, "Fold 'em, bitch."
Do you know why there was so much flooding in the Midwest in 1993? Because Clinton took all the dykes to Washington.
Arkansas canceled Halloween and thanksgiving because the witch went to Washington and took the turkey with her.
What happens when a woman puts the Everready bunny batteries in her vibrator backwards? She keeps coming and coming and coming!
In Arkansas, when a couple gets a divorce, are they still cousins?
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
If dogs were human: A dog in a three piece suit, obviously the personnel director, is across the desk from a job applicant dog in a sport coat and tie. He says, "You have a great job history, we like your resume and you are highly qualified. However, protocol still requires that I sniff your butt.
When a China man becomes a naturalized US citizen. Is he disoriented?
What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine? When you dump a load in a washing machine, it doesn't follow you around for two days saying, "Honey, do you still love me?"
You know you are a redneck if you are walking down the street and see a bumper sticker that says Say No to Crack and you instinctively reach down and pull up your pants.
A man and a woman met on an elevator. They got to talking and the woman said that she was making a donation to the blood bank on the third floor for which she got paid $5. The man said he was making a donation to the sperm bank on the seventh floor for which he got paid $40. Just then the door opened on the third floor. A month later the same two people met on an elevator in the same building. The man smiled in recognition and said, "Getting out on the third floor?" The woman shook her head no, held up seven fingers and smiled at him with obviously swollen cheeks.
A Scotish woman lived with her dog and her drunken husband, both of them snored horribly. On a visit to the vet she asked him if there was anything she could do about her dog's snoring. He suggested that tying a string around his balls might help the situation. To her pleasant surprise it worked, though all she had to use was some blue ribbon. Her husband would usually come home from the pub each evening quite late and, as she was a sound sleeper, she was seldom bothered by his loud snoring. One evening he came home early quite drunk and proceeded to pass out on their bed. When her bedtime came she was unable to fall asleep due to the obnoxiously loud noise emanating from the body lying next to her in bed. After a couple hours of this she decided to tie the ribbon around her husband's balls to see if what worked for her dog would also work for her husband. It did and she quickly fell asleep. A few hours later her husband awoke to relieve his bursting bladder. The dog joined him in the bathroom. As he lifted his kilt to do his duty he noticed the blue ribbon tied around his balls. Looking down at the dog next to him he noticed the dog was in the same beribboned condition he was. At this he addressed the dog, "Well, Laddie, I don't know where it was we went last night but we must have won first prize!"
Do you know why they call it PMS? Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken!
Do you know the difference between a used tire and 100 used condoms? One is a Goodyear, the other is a great year.
A shit sandwich--the more bread you have, the less shit you have to eat.
When you hold a frog in your hand it often pees on you. When you hold a toad it often takes a shit. That's where we get toadstools from.
Definition of courage: Two cannibals having oral sex.
Over the last several years homosexual men have been disappearing at an alarming rate. The FBI has started putting their pictures on jars of Vaseline.
A woman walked into a drugstore in rural Georgia. She asked the old bowlegged proprietor where the talcum powder was. He turned around and said, "walk this way." She replied, "if I could walk that way I wouldn't need the talcum powder."
It has been so long since I have had sex I forget who gets tied up first. Though I have bought a how-to video and keep it by my bed in case someone actually says yes! And the other day in Barnes and Noble I noticed a book titled "Sex for Dummies" so I bought it. I need all the help I can get. Actually, two things have improved my sex life: I started measuring my dick in centimeters; by the time they realize that "ten big ones" is really centimeters and therefore only four inches, I've had my fun! And the second thing is that I read the Pollack Sex Manual. It says, "insert penis. Withdraw. Repeat if necessary." I never knew you could repeat the process, now sex is fun! I believe absolutely in safe sex. So I went and had my hand tested for Aids.
Women fake Orgasm. Men fake foreplay.
Do you know the diference between jello and a Jewish American Princess? Jello moves when you eat it.
What do you get when you cross a Mexican with a Mormon? A garage full of groceries.
Four Southern women were sitting around a pool at the local country club. The first said that her husband had taken her to London to see Windsor Castle and had bought her a nice diamond necklace. The others replied, Oh how nice! The second said that her husband had taken her to Paris to see all of the lovely museums. While there she had admired an expensive boutique, so her husband had bought it for her. The others replied, Oh how nice! The third said that her husband had taken her to China where they had seen the Great Wall and he had bought her a solid gold goblet from which all of the ancient emperors had drunk. They all replied, Oh how nice! Then they turned to the last woman. She said that her husband had sent her to charm school where she had learned to say, Oh how nice! instead of Fuck y'all.