What do you call a boomerang that won't come back? A stick.
What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other? Eileen.
What do you call a man in the ocean who can't swim? Bob.
My father's doctor put him on a good news/bad news diet. The good news is that if he follows the diet he will live a long time. The bad news is that it will seem like a long time.
My nephew went to the library to check out a book about hugs. He came back with the twelfth book of the encyclopedia.
My brother used to work in an electronics factory. He says that if you reverse the battery cables positive to negative, instead of playing your radio listens. Take that you paranoids!
My mother came over to my house last week. When she saw my kitchen, she said it was a grime against nature.
Michael Tyson's former manager is making a highlight film about championship boxing. He is calling it Boxer Shorts.
Overheard during a full moon: Mommy, what's a werewolf? Hush, son, and go comb the hair on your face.
Why don't anteaters get sick? They are full of anty bodies.
Old doctors never die. They just lose their patients.
Old basketball players never die. They just start to dribble.
Old fisherman never die. They just smell that way.
Old souls never die. Neither do young ones.
True story. (Really) One hundred two years ago, John Crapper invented the flush toilet. The rest is history.
Definition of Duja Ve: The distinct feeling that you have never been here before. If you don't get it, first, look closer; second, too bad.
How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one but it really has to want to change.
How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb? Twelve. One to replace the bulb and eleven to share the experience.
How many Oregonians does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to replace the bulb and one to watch the eleven Californians who came to share the experience.
How many Yuppies does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to fix the Martinis and one to call the electrician.
How many college athletes does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he gets three hours credit.
How do you recognize Ronald Mc Donald at a nudist colony? By his sesame seed buns.
Do you know why there are so many Smiths listed in the phone book? They all have phones.
One night a rooster decided to stay up all night to figure out where the sun went when it set. Suddenly it dawned on him.
At the insurance company for which I used to work, the actuaries did a study on mortality using the newspaper. They concluded that people died in alphabetical order.
Every morning and evening at 6:00 the monk rang the bell for vespers. The monastery was also a tourist attraction. One evening just before 6:00 a tourist walked up the stairway, tripped over the bell rope, hit his face on the bell and fell to the ground. By the time the monk had walked down the stairs, the police had come. They asked him if he knew the man. The monk said no, but his face rings a bell.
How many Rednecks does it take to roof a house? It depends on how thin you slice them.
When some people swear, they say Jesus H. Christ. Do you know what the H stands for? Hallmark, because God cared enough to send the very best.
What do you get when you cross...
a computer with a gorrilla? ( a Harry Reasoner)
poison ivy with a four leaf clover? (a rash of good luck)
a penguin with a school teacher? (a formal education)
milk of magnesia with orange juice? (a phillips screw driver)
a dog with a canteloupe? (a melon collie baby)
a gossip columnist with a chicken? Colonel Slanders.
a vampire with a dwarf? A little sucker about so tall.
Did you know that Medical Science has determined that diarrhea is hereditary? It runs in your jeans!
Do you know what a heart murmur sounds like? I love you, I love you!
Do you know what the definition of heartburn is? It is when your heart is on fire with desire!
Do you know what the definition of cardiac neurosis is? A crazy kind of love!
A cannibal invited his friend over for dinner. His friend said, "Your wife makes good soup." "I know," the cannibal said," I'm going to miss her!"
Did you hear about the cannibal who moved out of the city because he was fed up with people?
Did you hear abput the cannibal who got kicked out of school for buttering up the teacher?
Did you hear about the Indian chief who drank twenty-four glasses of tea one day? The next day they found him dead in his teepee.
Who cuts the grass on Walton's mountain? Lawn Boy!
Did you hear that Joan of Arc is alive and medium well in Argentina?
Do you know what energy source that USS Enterprise runs on? Spock plugs!
When Jesus was put to death, the common mode of execution was stoning to death. The reason he was crucified instead of being stoned was so that when Catholics made the sign of the cross they didn't have to hit themselves over the head with their fists.
A priest, a rabbi and a minister met at a clerics convention and were discussing which part of the Sabbath's collection they kept for themselves and which part they gave to the upkeep of the church. The priest said that he kept the traditional tithe and gave the rest to the church. The minister's method was similar; he kept whatever money in the basket was not in the envelopes and gave the rest to the church. The rabbi said that he took all the money out of the envelopes and put it in the basket. Then he threw everything up in the air and said, "Keep what you want, Lord!"
Little Johnny wanted a bicycle for Christmas real bad, so he decided to write a letter to Baby Jesus. He wrote, "Dear Baby Jesus, if you give me a bicycle for Christmas I will be good for three months." He stuck it in an envelope and took it down to the Post Office and started to put it in the box but he thought three months was a long time. So he tore it up and went home to start over. He wrote, "Dear Baby Jesus, if you give me a bicycle for Christmas I will be good for two months." He stuck it in an envelope and took it down to the Post Office and started to put it in the box but he thought two months was too long also. So he tore it up and went home. He started out, "Dear Baby Jesus, if you give me a bicycle for Christmas I will be good for one month." But even that was too long, so he tore it up and threw it away. Then he took the statue of the Virgin Mary from his dresser and put it in his closet. Then he sat down to write, "Dear Baby Jesus, if you want to see your mother again...."
Jesus was walking down the street when he happened upon a crowd who was stoning a woman. He pushed through the crowd and stood in front the woman and said, "Let the person without sin cast the first stone." The crowd fell silent and still. Then, from the back of the crowd came one lone stone and struck the woman. Jesus turned around and said, "Mother, please!"
Would you say that as he says the Mass a priest approaches an altared state of consciousness?
At the insurance company I used to work for we had a claim on a man who needed one of his legs amputated because of gangrene. Unfortunately the doctors cut off the wrong leg. Then they had to go back and remove the other leg. The company refused to pay the claim. The man sued. The judge threw the suit out of court because the man didn't have a let to stand on.

The way to keep the wolf away from your front door is to have your daughter ready when he honks his horn.
Do you know why babies cheeks are so fat? So they don't get their necks dirty when they eat.
Pope John Paul II had been pope for about two years when he held a news conference. A reporter asked if after two years as pope of the world he had found anything that really made him angry. He admitted that there were two things that really made him mad. The first was that any nationality of people would be thought to be dumber than any other. The second was the individual wrappers on M & M's. Those were the hardest things to peel!
Bigamist. A large Italian fog.
It is obvious that Jesus was a Jew: He lived at home until He was 30. He went into His Father's business. His mother thought he was God. He thought His mother was a virgin.
Have you heard about the Jesus Bar and Grill? Free wine and all the fish you can eat.
Definition of timeless--a watch that doesn't work.
Did you know that the man who invented the brass door knocker was given the no bell prize?
The pet shop owner guaranteed that the talking parrot would repeat every word that it heard. When the customer bought the parrot the bird wouldn't speak a single word, yet the shop owner was telling the truth. How could this be? The answer in just a minute. The parrot was deaf.
Why are 1989 pennies worth almost $20? Because one thousand nine hundred eighty nine pennies are almost $20.
Teacher: Did your father help you with this math problem? Student: No. I got it wrong all by myself.
Teacher: Do you know how to spell Mississippi? Student: Sure. Which do you want, the state or the river?
What does it mean when the barometer is falling? The guy who nailed it up didn't do a very good job.
Have you ever wondered why abbreviated is such a long word?
Bakers bake because they knead the dough.
Mr and Mrs Wong, a Chinese couple, had a caucasian baby. The startled doctor said, "this can't be! Two Wongs don't make a white."
Have you heard about the new Chinese cookbook? How to wok your dog.
Surealism is better than no realism at all!
What do you call a row of rabbits who all take a step backwards? A receding hare line.
Deja Vu--leftovers.
If your nose goes on strike, pick it.
Do you know how to drive a baby buggy? Tickle its feet.
The judge was trying to determine to whom to award custody of little Johnny, his mother or his father. The judge decided to go with his mother. " Please, judge, don't do that . My mother beats me." "My, my," said the judge, "I guess we will have to award custody to your father." "Please don't do that,sir," little Johnny replied, "my father beats me, too." "What a revolting developement. Whatever shall we do," said the judge." Give me to the Chiefs. They don't beat anybody!"
A sixth grade student wrote a report on the parts of the body. It went like this. (A true story.) The body is divided into three parts. The brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity which holds the bowels of which there are five: A E I O and U.
Twin skunks, named In and Out, lived in a tree trunk in the forest with their mother. When Out was in, In was out and vice versa. Even though they were identical, their mother could always tell them apart. Do you know how? In stinked.
When Mary had a little lamb, the doctor fainted. But when Old McDonald had a farm, E I E I O !
Farmers are forming a union.It's called the E I E IO.
In 1956, Walt Disney showed on TV a three part movie starring Minnie Mouse. Thus becoming the first man to show a Minnie series on TV.
A health socialworker knocked on the convent door and spoke with the head nun. He said, "I understand you have a case of herpes here." "That would be nice," she replied, "I'm tired of the chablis."
There was an 80 year old man sitting on a park bench crying. When I asked him what was wrong, he said he had a 26 year old wife, good looking, romantic, and they had great sex. So I asked him again why he was crying. He replied, "I can't remember where I live!"
Scientists are going to start to use lawyers in mazes rather than rats because (1) there are more lawyers than rats, (2) there would be less public outcry, and (3) lawyers know more about the intricacies of mazes than rats do.
When third baseman Joe Torre first came up to the Majors, he was a catcher. Because of a beaning he took as a youth he was somewhat fearful behind the plate and he always jerked his head to the side when the pitch came in. So he switched to third base because he didn't want to be known as that chicken catcher Torre.
Just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they're NOT after you!
In the financial news, Scot Paper touched new bottoms today.
Detail of deduct went over defense after defeat.
Do you know what Alaskans grow in their gardens in the Winter? Frozen peas.
When Willie Aikens played first base for the KC Royals, he was reputed to be the slowest player in baseball. In fact, he was so slow that even when his nose ran, it was two days before he knew he had a cold!
This is an axiom I learned in Chicago. The wheels of progress grind slowly. But the wheels of big business just grind.
When the man who invented UNO died, God sent him back to Earth for another year because he forgot to say UNO before he died.
One day when I still worked at BMA, I asked my boss's secretary where my boss, Al, (whose wife's name is Carol) was. She said he had broken the crown of a tooth and would be in about noon. As I turned around, a co-worker asked me where Al was. Without thinking, I said, "Al and Carol went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Al fell down, broke his crown, and won't be in til noon."
Little Johnny was in the sixth grade. Trouble was, all he was, was a head. He had a crush on little Susie and asked her to the sixth grade dance. She said she wouldn't go to the dance with him because all he was, was a head. That night he prayed to God to please make him anything but a head. Sure enough, the next morning when he awoke, he was a grape. Ecstatic, he bounced over to little Susie's house and said now will you go to the dance with me. She said no and stepped on him and squashed him. The moral of the story is quit while you are a head.
The Romans were the greatest road builders of their times. They took in too much money from their orgy tax and they had to do something with it, so they built roads. It kept unemployment down, too. So they built miles and miles of stone-covered roads twisting around the countryside. But the sides of the roads on the curves kept eroding, so the word went out from Rome to put rocks on the shoulders on all the curves. This they did, leaving no turn unstoned.
About a hundred years ago, Thomas Edison invented the lightbulb. He was giving a lecture on this in Manhattan. In the audience was an Indian Chief, who came up to Mr Edison after the talk and invited him to come talk to his tribal council if he were ever out West. As chance would have it, Mr Edison was out West several months later and did stop off on the reservation and talk about his invention to the tribal council. They were suitably impressed with all of this and asked Mr Edison if he would install one of his lights in their outhouses. And he did so; thus becoming the first man to wire a head for reservations.
(I assume this next joke is funny. My Mom sure thinks so, for some reason. Every time I came over for dinner she would ask me to tell her this joke and then proceed to howl with laughter. I told her that I did have more jokes and I knew that I was funny, because people were laughing at me all the time, so she didn't have to laugh at this same joke all the time. But that didn't seem to stop her. I guess she was just trying to build up my confidence. Aren't Moms great!)
There was a soldier close to the front during Word War II. His commanding officer told him to go to the front lines and fight. He replied that he didn't have a gun, so the officer picked up a stick and said to use that. The soldier said, then, that his gun didn't have a bayonet, so the officer picked up a twig and tied it to the stick. The soldier couldn't think of anything else and started walking toward the front lines where the battle raged (seems like a good thing for battles to do) Soon he saw a German soldier coming toward him. Courageously, he pointed the stick at him and said,"Bangedy bang bang!" And lo, the German fell dead. Again another German soldier appeared. "Bangedy bang bang!" And again it worked. Soon the fighting became fierce and the GI found it necessary to engage the enemy in hand to hand combat, using the bayonet. "Stabedy stab stab!" he said and lo it worked equally as well. "Stabedy stab stab!" and another German fell by the wayside. Then in the distance he saw another German walking slowly toward him. "Bangedy bang bang!" he said, but nothing happened. So he tried again. "Bangedy bang bang!" And STILL nothing happened. By now the German was close, so he said, "Stabedy stab stab!" And now REAL close, so again "Stabedy stab stab!" Then suddenly the GI found himself flattened on his back on the ground as he heard the German say, "Tankedy tank tank."
A young couple in Italy had just given birth to their first child, only they were blessed with two; one of each. As was the custom in their family, they approached the father's oldest uncle to name the babies. Trouble was, this old uncle was pretty eccentric and they were afraid that he would come up with some bizarre names for their babies which would burden them for life. So they were more than a little worried as they asked him to name the girl baby. They breathed a sigh of relief, however, as the uncle pronounced, "Denise." Feeling much better, now, they asked him for the name of their son. "Denephew," he replied.
The GI's had been on the front lines for six weeks and were very tired and dirty. The Sargeant announced to them that he had some good news and some bad news. First the good news. You all get a change of underwear. The bad news is that you change with you, you change with you and you change with you.
Dan Quayle thinks that Roe vs Wade are two options for crossing the Potomac.
Hebrew--a Jewish beer.
What do you call a potato with glasses?---a spectator. (Which reminds me. Most of the improvements done to my house were done while I was in Chicago. However, I was home when Dennis Small replaced the screen on my porch. I sat drinking a glass of Coke watching him when suddenly I realized that hard work is supposed to be a spectator sport.)
What do you call a potato which broadcasts sports on TV?--A commentater.
Did you hear about the man who fell into a vat of molten glass? He made a spectacle of himself.
When Eve wanted to make sure that Adam was faithful to her, she just counted his ribs.
Did you hear about the dyslexic philospher who spent all day pondering the meaning of Dog?
What do you call it when you sing in the shower?--A soap opera.
What did the woman do when she found her dog chewing on the dictionary? She took the words right out of his mouth.
When I unexpectedly dropped in on my sister-in-law last month, I caught her in the midst of doing about a dozen things. When I asked her how she was, she succinctly replied, "I think I'm too busy to have a nervous breakdown."
Would you say that a pregnant woman becomes increasingly apparent?
Three questions of profound importance to which I wish I had an answer:
Does your belly button?
Does your turtle neck?
Does your eye bawl?
Occult--a secret Irish religion.
You understand why they call money a liquid asset when you see it slip through your hands so quickly.
Did you hear about the taxi driver who quit because he couldn't hack it any more?
Did you hear the joke about the roof? Oh well, you wouldn't understand it. It's over your head.
Did you hear about the cat who ate a hunk of cheese and then went and sat in front of the mouse hole with baited breath?
Bill, a Methodist, and his wife, a Presbyterian, died and went to Heaven. St Peter met them at the Gate and told them they had a choice. They could spend eternity together either in the Methodist Heaven or the Presbyterian Heaven. They asked to see them both, so St Peter took them into an elevator. They went to see the Presbyterian Heaven first, which was on the tenth floor. As they passed the sixth floor, St Peter cautioned them to be very quiet. After viewing the Presbyterian Heaven, they got back into the elevator to see the Methodist Heaven which was on the fourth floor. Again, as they passed the sixth floor, St Peter asked them to be very quiet. Curious, Bill asked St Peter why they had to be so quiet when passing the sixth floor. St Peter replied that the sixth floor was the Baptist Heaven and they thought they were the only ones in heaven.
There was a drunk sitting at a bar. He watched as a proper British gentleman came into the bar and asked the bartender for a shot of twelve year old Scotch. The bartender turned around and thought to himself that he had no twelve year old Scotch, but who could tell the difference anyway. So he gave him some four year old Scotch. The Proper British gentleman sipped it and then spit it out and said that it was four year old Scotch and he wanted twelve year old Scotch, thank you. The bartender turned around again and thought what the heck, he'd just give hime some six year old Scotch, surely he couldn't tell the difference. Sure enough, the British gentleman spit it out and said that it was six year old Scotch and he would like some twelve year old Scotch, thank you. Meanwhile the drunk at the end of the bar was taking all of this in and was just fascinated by it. The bartender, having only ten year old Scotch at best, decided to go with it. Once again the British gentleman spit it out saying that it was ten year old Scotch. At this point, the drunk handed the gentleman a shot glass. He sipped from it, spit it out and exclaimed that it tasted like urine. To which the drunk replied, "It is. How old am I?"
A priest noticed a drunk weaving down the street. He decided to follow him in case the fellow needed some help. Sure enough the drunk turned into the priest's church. Following the man inside the priest noticed the man walk into the confessional. Remembering his thought that the drunk might need some help the priest went into the confessional also. He opened the door and asked the man if he could help him. To which the drunk replied, "Yeah. You got any toilet paper on your side?"
You know when you are feeling down in the dumps and you go shopping, spend a lot of money and you feel better? Psychologists have a name for that. They call it retail therapy.
A friend of mine claims she has a black belt in shopping.
Cosmic Unconsciousness is when the lights are on but nobody is home.
I went into a psychic's office the other day. I saw a sign which said, "Think of a number and take a seat."
Billy Graham, Oral Roberts, and Jerry Falwell died and went to heaven. St Peter met them at the pearly gates and assured them that they were, indeed, to be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately their rooms wouldn't be ready for another 24 hours. St Peter called Satan and asked him if he could put the three of them up for the night. Satan said sure. When St Peter went to collect the three of them the next day, the denizens of hell wouldn't let them go. It seems that Billy Graham had saved half of them, Oral Roberts had healed the rest, and Jerry Falwell had gotten enough money to air condition the place.
The twain will never meet because they haven't yet built the twack.
Hickory dackory dock. Three mice ran up the clock. The clock struck one. The other two escaped with minor injuries.
A doctor was a steady patron of a certain bar. Every afternoon after work he would stop in and have a peach dacquiri. But one day when the doctor dropped in the bartender was all out of peaches, but he had just received a shipment of hickory nuts. So he asked the doctor, "How about a hickory dacquiri, Doc?"
What happens when you play a country/western song backwards? The singer gets his wife back, he gets out of jail, he sobers up and his mother in law leaves town.
Three men died and went to heaven. St Peter met them at the gates. When they asked for admittance he said they would have to answer a question. He turned to the first man and asked What is Easter? The man replied that Easter was when they invited all the relatives over, cooked a turkey and gave thanks. St Peter said that was Thanksgiving and tossed the man out. He then turned to the second man and asked What is Easter? The second man thought for a minute and said that Easter was when they decorated a tree and gave everybody presents. St Peter said that was Christmas and through the man out. He turned to the third man and said What is Easter. The third man thought carefully for several minutes and then said that Easter was when Jesus died on the cross, was buried and on the third day arose from the dead, rolled back the stone from the tomb, saw his shadow and knew there would be six more weeks of winter.
Here is a pop quiz: Do you prefer Coke or Pepsi?
Do you know how to keep a Polack in suspense?
Since the 11:11 doorway opened, we no longer have Greenich Mean Time. It has been changed to Greenich Nice Time.
A foggy day is the only time you can have your head in the clouds and your feet firmly on the ground at the same time.
Do you know what you are supposed to do when you stub your toe? Call a tow truck.
Now an intelligence test in reverse. I will spell a word and you tell me what it spells. M-a-c D-o-n-a-l-d. M-a-c D-o-u-g-a-l. M-a-c A-r-t-h-u-r. M-a-c C-r-a-y. M-a-c R-o-r-y. M-a-c H-i-n-e. No, silly. It spells machine!
In India live the Ascended Masters. These are glorious beings who have trancended their earthly existences but choose to remain in physical form to help with the evolution of their brother and sister Souls. They live high in inaccessible mountains. They sometimes come down to visit the villagers. When they do and it is suppertime, the Ascended Masters Precipitate the food out of the ethers. Occasionally they decide to eat out at a local inn. Again the Ascended Masters pay the tab by holding out their hand and making money appear in their palms. However, sometimes they don't wish to spend cash, prefering to charge the meal. When they do, of course, they use their Master Card.
There is a boa constrictor named Julius Squeezer.
And a cat named J.R. Mewing.
A HISTORY OF THE WORLD
(ACCORDING TO STUDENT EXAM BLOOPERS)

This history is a compilation of statements made on student exams and essays -- high school and college freshman levels.
The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah desert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants had to live elsewhere, so the sands of the desert are cultivated by irritation. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the First book of the Bible, Gwinesis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarches, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up in Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.
David was a Hebrew King skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Psalm, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns, Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the river Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in the Illiad by Homer, reading in his native tongue. Homer also wrote the Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer, but another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
Life in ancient Greece reeked with joy. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurtled the biscuits, and threw the Java. The reward to the victor was a coral reef.
The government of Athens was democratic because people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered, because the Persians had more men.
Eventually, the Romans conquered the Geeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlics in their hair.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames. King Arthur lived in the age of Shivery. King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings. Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. And victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta proved that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offence.
In Midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer who wrote many poems and verses, and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head. During this time, people performed morality plays about ghosts, goblins, virgins, and other mythical creatures.
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenburg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatelo's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance.
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a hundred foot clipper.
The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the Virgin Queen. As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted, "Hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. Shakespeare never made much money and is famous only for his plays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives writing tragedies, comedies, and errors. In one of Shakespeare's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady McBeth tries to convince McBeth to kill the king by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote.

You know that you're a redneck when you go to a family reunion looking to pick up women.
You know that you're a redneck when you see a bumper sticker that says, "say no to crack" and instinctively you reach down and pull up your pants.
You know that God is not a woman. If he were you would be able to pay off your Mastercharge with your Visa.
Do you know what happens when ducks fly upside down? They quack up.
Do you know where ghosts go to sail their barges? The Erie Canal.
Memories are funny things. Especially when we remember jokes.
What is a light year? Same as a regular year but has fewer calories.
Do you know how to tell when a Vietnamese family moves into the neighborhood? The dogs get REAL quiet.
Do you know how to fix a broken jack-o-lantern? Use a pumpkin patch.
The reason Napoleon always had his hand in his shirt is that he wanted to be close to his naval base.
When farmer Jones rounds up the cows and heads them back to the barn for milking, he sings "The Yanks are coming".
Poor or rich, we all get hand me down genes.
What is invisible and smells like carrots? Bunny farts.
Until I actually saw the movie, I thought that "Dances with Wolves" was a movie about my sister's experiences at a singles bar.
Do you know how to make a hormone? Tickle her tummy.
Mixed feelings--seeing your sixteen year old daughter come home early from a date with a Gideon Bible under her arm.
A Jew, a Christian, a Muslim and a New Ager all died and went to heaven and knocked on the Pearly Gates. St Peter came out and said to get into heaven they each had to pass a test. He asked the Jew to spell God. He did and got admitted. He asked the Christian to spell Eve. She did and got admitted. He asked the Muslim to spell Allah. She did and got admitted. Next he turned to the New Ager and asked him to spell Albukerkey.
Kelly Bundy of "Married with Children" has a Theory of Relativity. My parents are my relatives, therefore I am.
A young couple down the block had just bought a new house and did not have enough money to buy a carseat for their new baby. So they stuck suction cups on its hands and feat and stuck it in the back window.
Donut holes have no calories. When they make a donut they centrifuge it and all the calories are flung to the perimeter of the donut. So they cut out the center, and that is why donut holes have no calories!
I think about exercising a lot. And it works! As a result I have a very skinny mind. My friends say I am narrow minded, but what the heck do they know?
My mother is 43 years old. I have a brother who is 50. That used to bother me until I remembered Mike Ryan in the sixth grade. We were learning about minus numbers. The teacher said you have two apples and you take away five. How many do you have left? Ole Mike couldn't understand and asked the teacher to show him minus three apples. But I did. And that's how I can have a mother who is younger than my older brother. She gave birth to her first child at minus seven years of age!
Actually they say that age is relative. It's your relatives who are old, not you.
But really, age is arbitrary. Most people add a year to their age each year. I add a year to my date of birth. I am twenty-seven again this year and my year of birth is now 1967!
You are only as old as you feel. So I try to feel a lot of young women. I get slapped a lot. But that does put a healthy glow in my cheeks!
When geese fly in a vee, one side of the vee is always longer than the other. Do you know why? There are more geese on that side.
Do you know why the New Ager crossed the road? He was channeling a chicken.
Listen my children and you will hear, the midnight ride of Paul Revere. He pushed the starter, stepped on the gas. The bottom fell out and he fell on his ass. Then he got on his horse and shouted, "One if by land. Two if by sea. And hold up three fingers if you want pizza. I have to go out anyway!"
A fanatical gardener is a blooming idiot.
When you play a Country Music song backwards the singer sobers up, gets out of jail, his wife comes back, his mother-in-law goes home, and his pickup doesnt get hit by a train.
Do you know why the twain shall never meet? Because they havent yet built the twacks.
When you play a polka record backwards there is a subliminal message telling you to wear plaid.
Do you know the difference between a man and a government bond? A bond matures.
The best way to communicate with a small child is to wait until it grows up.
While hiking in Phoenix one day I saw an elderly man sitting on a bench crying. I sat down next to him and asked what was wrong. Through his tears he told me that he had a wonderful multimillion dollar mansion in the suburbs, millions of dollars in the bank, delightful and loving kids and grandkids, and a young, beautiful and attentive wife. So I asked him why he was crying. He replied, I cant remember where I live.
Cannibals dont eat clowns because they taste funny.
What do you call the mother of a ghost? Transparent.
Why did the ghost not go to the Halloween Dance? He had no body to go with.
Definition of mixed emotions: seeing your daughter come home early from a date with a Gideon Bible under her arm.
Our next president wants to be elected to create a kinder, gentler world. The first thing he wants to do is change Greenwich Mean time to Greenwich Nice time.
You are what you eat. Popeye grew up eating not spinich but sweet potatoes. That is why he is always saying I yam what I yam!
Children often look like their parents. That is because they wear hand me down genes.

The reason Italian men dont wear mustaches is because they dont want to look like their mothers.
There were two identical twins named Amal and Juan. They had grown up and left home some years earlier. Juan came home for a two week visit. One month later their parents neighbor asked if they had seen the twins lately. The parents said that they had recently seen Juan but not Amal. The neighbor replied that if they had seen Juan they had seen Amal.
An elderly couple were riding in their car with the man behind the wheel. He noticed a patrolman driving behind him for several blocks. Since he didnt have his seatbelt on he quickly remedied the situation. Shortly thereafter the patrolman pulled them over. The patrolman said that he had noticed that the man had not been wearing his seatbelt. The man replied that he had. The patrolman said that he had noticed the man just put it on. The man said that he had been wearing it all along. The patrolman said the reason he had pulled them over in the first place was that he had noticed that they had a tallight out. He said that if the wife would confirm that the man had been wearing his seatbelt all along he would let them go with just a warning. So he asked her. She replied that if there was one thing she had learned in 50 years of marriage it was not to argue with her husband when he had been drinking.
A man was walking along the beach in California when he noticed a magic lamp laying in the sand. He picked it up and rubbed it and a Genie appeared. The Genie asked what the year was. The man said that it was 1999. The Genie said in that case he could have one wish. The man said that he loved to visit Hawaii but hated to fly and was frightened of boats. So he wanted the Genie to build him a bridge to Hawaii. The Genie thought about it for a while and then said that there would be a lot of work involved. The pylons would have to be at least two miles deep and that would be a lot of trouble, would the man make a different wish. The man said that he had always wanted to understand women. The Genie said that he would go check on those pylons.
A woman had recently gone through a bitter and protracted divorce in which her husband had taken everything and had left her with nothing. She was walking along the beach and noticed a magic lamp laying there. She picked it up and rubbed it and a Genie appeared. The genie gave her three wishes but cautioned her that whatever she asked for her ex-husband would get the same thing doubled. She sighed and made her first wish. She asked for ten million dollars. Done, said the Genie, and twenty million for your ex-husband. She then asked for a brand new Ferrari. Done, said the Genie, and two for your ex-husband. She thought a long time before making her third wish. Then she asked the Genie to scare her half to death.
What do you get when you cross Scrooge with a sheep? A Baaaa Humbug.
Where do you go when you want to find a ghost? To a ghost town.
Why did the skeleton not go to the dance? He had no body to go with.
Why did the skeleton not cross the road? He had no guts.